Mojo and the Mess

Hi, it’s me, Mojo.

I’m a French bulldog. I shouldn’t even know what insurance is. But unfortunately, I’ve had front-row seats to this nightmare. I’ve watched my human spend hours on the phone, arguing with strangers about why she deserves life-saving care while I sit next to her and growl at the hold music.

Insurance companies? They’re like boss-level villains in a video game. Except instead of fighting fair, they hit you with denial letters, endless transfers, and a cheerful, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not covered.”

So I’ve put together my official guide for how to argue with them without losing your mind (or ending up sobbing on the bathroom floor with me licking your face).

Step 1: Prepare for battle.

Do not—repeat, do not—call unprepared. You need an arsenal. Gather every document you can think of:

Doctor’s notes Lab results Authorization codes Every letter they’ve ever mailed you (yes, even the confusing ones with 47 acronyms)

You want to have so much information ready that the rep on the phone has no choice but to take you seriously.

Step 2: Get their name. And write it down.

As soon as someone answers, ask for their name and jot it down. “Hi, Linda, I’m making notes of this conversation for my records.”

Suddenly, Linda’s going to take this a lot more seriously.

And when they transfer you 15 times? Write down every single name. You’re building a list. Like Santa. But instead of gifts, you’re handing out accountability.

Step 3: Be annoyingly persistent.

Here’s the ugly truth: insurance companies want you to give up. Denials save them money.

So you call back. You ask for supervisors. You ask to escalate. You call again the next day. You send emails. You call again. You make their job harder than your life currently is (which is saying something).

My human once called six times in one day. Was she drained? Yes. Did she get results? Also yes.

Step 4: Stay calm. Or at least sound calm.

You might want to scream. You might want to throw your phone out the window. But here’s the trick: the calmer you sound, the harder it is for them to dismiss you.

If you need to cry, mute the phone, hug me, then get back on the line like you’re made of steel.

Step 5: Pull in reinforcements.

Doctors’ offices often have people whose whole job is fighting with insurance. Use them.

Ask your doctor to request a “peer-to-peer review” (magic words). When a doctor speaks directly to the insurance company’s medical director, things move faster.

Step 6: Know the magic phrases.

These are your power-ups:

“Can you provide that denial in writing?” “I’d like to escalate this to a supervisor.” “Can I have your name and direct extension for follow-up?” “I’d like to request a peer-to-peer review.”

You will sound like you know what you’re doing (even if you’re googling what half of that means).

Step 7: Don’t take it personally.

I know this part is hard. My human hangs up from these calls feeling like she’s begging for scraps. Like she’s asking for something she doesn’t deserve.

But listen to me: this is not about you. This is about a system designed to make people give up. You are not asking for a favor. You are demanding the care you are entitled to.

Step 8: Take breaks.

After every call, take a breath. Go outside. Cry if you need to. Pet me. Eat a snack. Insurance is exhausting, and you are not a machine.

Step 9: Call me if all else fails.

I have a mean bark. And if these reps could see the death stare I give them when they deny my human care? They’d fold immediately.

Arguing with insurance is draining. It makes my human feel small and powerless at a time when she already feels fragile. But here’s the thing: every time she pushes through, every time she refuses to back down, she gets closer to what she needs.

And if the system still fails? Well. I’m not above biting an ankle.

– Mojo 🐾