Mojo and the Mess

(By Mojo, Full-Time Emotional Support Professional)

Some dogs chase balls. Some guard houses. Me?

I monitor my human. Around the clock. No breaks. No sick days. (Okay, lots of naps, but that’s part of my method.)

Here’s my official Mojo Guide to Human Surveillance:

Step 1: Morning Wellness Check

Before she even opens her eyes, I know if she’s okay. I do this by standing on her chest and breathing directly in her face. If she groans, we’re good. If she ignores me, we may have a problem — or she just wants five more minutes.

Step 2: Follow Them Everywhere

And I mean everywhere.

Bathroom? I’m there. Kitchen? Already waiting. Bedroom? I’m at the door before she is.

She says I have “separation anxiety.” I call it “responsible ownership of my human.”

Step 3: Staring for Health

If she’s sitting down, I position myself across from her and stare until she makes eye contact. This reminds her to drink water, take her meds, and, most importantly, get me a snack.

Step 4: Tactical Contact

I like to place at least one paw or my whole body against her at all times. Bonus points if I’m lying on the exact spot that hurts — this is called “tactical pressure therapy.” It’s both medical and adorable.

Step 5: Silent Observation Mode

Sometimes I hang back, just watching from the doorway. This confuses her into thinking I’m plotting something. I’m not. I’m just making sure she’s okay without overwhelming her. (Also, I can still see if she goes near the fridge.)

Step 6: Night Shift

Sleeping next to her is important, but not too close. I need space to leap into action if she gets up in the middle of the night. Bonus: I can trip her slightly so she knows I’m awake and engaged in my duties.

Final Rule:

Never let your human out of your sight for too long. They might think they’re independent, but the truth is, they need constant supervision — and only you can provide it.

I don’t wear a badge. I don’t clock in. This is a lifetime commitment.

Because she’s my human. And keeping her safe is my full-time job… right after snack time.

— Mojo 🐾

Chief Human Security Officer, Snack Patrol Commander