So often, the focus is on me — the patient, the one with the diagnosis, the one in the waiting rooms and hospital gowns. But there’s another side to this story. My husband, Pete, carries so much of the weight that people don’t see. These are the questions people rarely ask him, even though I know the answers matter just as much as mine.
I wanted to give him space here. Below are the questions — and Pete’s answers will follow in his own words.
“Pete, how do you do it? How do you get up every day and keep going when the woman you love is suffering right in front of you?”
Pete’s Answer: The short answer…I have no choice. As she has no choice but to be sick I have no choice but to wake and keep going every damn day. Sadly, she and I actually know significant others who once they found out their partner was sick had actually ended the relationship and left them. No one wants to be in this situation but i will be damned if i would ever not be right where i am for one second. She’s my wife through the good, the bad and everything in between.
“Do you ever scream in the car when you’re alone? Do you ever just let it all out where she can’t hear you?”
Pete’s Answer: I don’t hide much from her but there are moments of rage out of frustration where i try to release my anger! I own a gym, not weight lifting but a fighting gym. Boxing, Kick boxing and MMA. Training kids and adults. When i have clients coming I go to the gym early and work out beating bags etc until im to tired to move. This is how i cope. This would hold me over for a few days and now i find myself doing it daily. You have to have a release.
“What’s the hardest part of mornings now — helping her up, or realizing she’s weaker than yesterday?”
Pete’s Answer: She has her good days and her bad days. She isn’t much of a morning person. I on the other hand am up before the sun. i handle a lot of my stuff before she wakes up. I see her slowing down a lo more over the last 6 months. Its all hard. You just “Go with the Flow” and pray for a good day.
“When you give her those painful shots, what goes through your mind? Do you look away, or do you make sure to stay steady so she feels safe?”
Pete’s Answer: Lets be honest who wants to do something to your wife that’s actually making her cry so hard. I am prescribed Testosterone due to my body producing low levels. One day I actually grabbed the wrong syringe. I now know why my wife screams when i inject her with that shot. I guess the only way to describe it is if you were to inject battery acid into your self. So it makes it very hard mentally for me to do it to her knowing how badly that hurts. I often mix in humor into a lot of stuff. I guess its one of the main ways i cope to this lifestyle. It difficult to know that the only way to get more time to spend with her in this life is by me putting poison into her body that’s going to kill her anyway but it just gives me more time.
“Do you miss the ordinary things — like going out to dinner without planning around pain, or watching a movie without worry hanging over you?”
Pete’s Answer: I miss a lot of things but i am thankful for everything we have and every moment we spend together. The worry is always there. It never leaves. You just try to remain distracted as much as possible.
“Be honest, who hogs the blankets more, you or her?”
Pete’s Answer: What blankets??? I don’t usually get much of a fighting chance at anything when it comes to the bed and sleeping arrangements. Iz and Mojo pretty much rule that world.
“Do you ever change the channel when she falls asleep, then flip it back real quick if she stirs?”
Pete’s Answer: I’m usually asleep before her. Her sleep schedule is basically non-existent. Couple hours here and there. We will watch a show together til i pass out then she can watch her own programs.
“What’s your go-to snack you secretly hope she doesn’t ask for a bite of?”
Pete’s Answer: I love Ice Cream and popcorn. She always feels the need to need to SAMPLE… but Cancer carding is not an excuse to get a mans ice cream. hahaha
“Between you and her, who actually takes longer to get ready to leave the house?”
Pete’s Answer: Seeing she has hardly any hair or for a long time had no hair it really makes for quick turn around times to get out of the house and in the car. I think we are pretty equal in out getting ready to go times. And, Mojo goes every where with us so once his treats are packed and he dons the harness we are right out of the house.
“Do you ever just say ‘yes, babe’ to keep the peace even when you didn’t catch what she said?”
Pete’s Answer: If you are married i think its pretty much a given that the words “Yes Babe!” just flow right out of your mouth more often then anything else!!
“What’s the little thing she does, even now, that makes you laugh out loud?”
Pete’s Answer: My wife is a little bit of a nerd. So when she starts laughing at something occasionally she will do that snort thing with laugh.
“Do you ever feel like people forget that you’re living through this too? That you’re hurting just as much in your own way?”
Pete’s Answer: I will be extremely real and honest here and with one other question on this list. I would say sorry for being to real but i would be lying if i said sorry. Occasionally i will get people asking how I am doing. I honestly don’t give a shit how I am doing 99% of the time. I have my moments where I struggle pretty bad but I just try to flip the switch in my mind where I move on to another topic in my head really quick so that I don’t let my emotions get the best of me in front of people. I’m a man, aren’t we supposed to suck it up and deal with the pain and keep going…(easier said then done!!!)
“Do you ever sneak Mojo extra treats when she’s not looking?”
Pete’s Answer: There’s no sneaking anything with Prince Mojo. Every where he goes people are constantly giving him snacks. But, yes, in the morning times when its just him and i we bond and he gets his breakfast and usually half of mine.
“Who snores louder — you or Mojo?”
Pete’s Answer: Mojo is a power house.
“What do you tell yourself in the car on the way to appointments? What’s the pep talk you give yourself before walking through the doors?”
Pete’s Answer: None of this is a good time. I pretty much keep everything pent up inside me. You don’t think of it as pep talks you just simply have no choice. I have my moments where i bite my lip or hold my breath.
“What’s the most ridiculous thing you two have ever argued about — and who won?”
Pete’s Answer: I never win. haha. I can honestly say that we very rarely argue over anything. I am not a person who sugar coats anything. My wife knows any time we head to the store or anywhere in public its a roll of the dice if our trip will be short and sweet or who (or how many people) will get an interaction with me. People will look at my wife’s bald head and pass judgement with looks on their face or under their breath comments and I am that guy that will turn around and go call them out to their face. I have zero patience in my life for rudeness to my wife.
“Pete, do you ever wish people would stop saying certain things to you? What do you wish they’d start saying instead?”
Pete’s Answer: Before my wife I never knew much about cancer. Most people don’t but lets face it you would be hard pressed in this day and age to find someone who doesn’t have a family member or someone they that has cancer. People don’t know what to say so they say sorry or things like that and that’s fine. The stuff that you have to hear and you just smile and deal with it is the people that always want to pass off the secret remedy that will cure her. ” you have to have your wife lick the bottom of a frogs rear left foot and then stick a unicorns horn up her ass and this will cure her cancer!” Everyone knows the secret trick and I appreciate the fact you’re trying to be helpful but for the love of God we will just stick with the medicine.
“Do you ever secretly watch shows without her and then re-watch pretending it’s the first time?”
Pete’s Answer: Shhhhh
“Has anyone ever asked how you are — and really meant it? What would you say if they did?”
Pete’s Answer: This is a really in depth and hard one. Ill come back to it. I skipped ahead and left this one for last. This is probably the hardest thing I struggle with out of all topics. People ask how I am and they will ask how Izzy is. Do they mean it…FUCK NO! I could probably count on one hand the people i actually thought may be a smidge sincere about asking if either of us are ok. The more this got in depth I was finding myself reaching out and talking about it with everyone. People that are family, my best friends, my “brothers” !! I have never dealt with this before and really was new to this. I guess I was scared and its not fair that she is going through this and not me. People reached out offered advice, dinners, things to help us out. I truly didn’t know anything about this. I thought chemo was just the drug all cancer patients took to get rid of it. Learning that there are thousands of concoctions of chemo, radiation etc… I literally was thinking ok, my wife is about to die. What the fuck am i going to do then?!?! Well time goes on and years have passed. We were no where near death back then as to where we are now. Seriously, people look at you and think your are or were lying to them that “why isn’t she dead yet?” “She doesn’t look sick?” “how much time does she have left?” . This is the shit that makes me sick to my stomach. Here is what I say to the people who are new to this…to the husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend of someone who is actually sick. This took me a while to figure it out but I promise you take my advice and its extremely hard to do. Ready?!?! Don’t tell a sole. Keep it all between you and her/him and the Dr. Your family, friends, relatives etc do not give a shit!!! They will feel sad and tell you they are sorry and that is just about all they can do so don’t expect much. Not their fault. Its the mother f@&$@&# that look me in the face and say sorry and the minute your’e not around they talk shit about you or your significant other and that’s what make me sick. So i constantly find myself removing people out of my circle. Stay away from me and my wife. I don’t need you around. Stay away so i don’t have to slap you. We don’t need sympathy or fake bullshit. This is my world and I have to live in this with out choice. This is the path I am on. If my wife hasn’t died fast enough for you, or you think she is just trying to get attention or you ask me how she is doing and i tell you and you just talk shit because all that comes up is cancer stuff. Then don’t ask and stay the fuck away from me. She didn’t want cancer and I didn’t want her to get cancer but here we are. Our lives revolve around cancer, Dr appointments, treatments, not traveling or hanging out poolside etc. It sucks but bullshit fake people are worse then cancer. Ok, that is enough. I have to go to the gym now and get rid of this anger and rage i worked myself up with.
“What’s the one thing she does, even now, that makes you fall in love with her all over again?”
Pete’s Answer: She breathes. She’s my best friend, my lover, my everything. She never stops doing things to help me, her and us. As if that’s not enough Izzy is that person who will literally go out of her way to help anyone, anywhere, anytime.
“If you could take her pain and carry it yourself, would you?”
Pete’s Answer: You have no idea how many times I have sat alone and prayed to God asking him to please leave her alone and put it in me. She is to young and to brilliant for this world not to have her in it. As i am older I am supposed to be the one that goes first not her.
“What’s the funniest thing she’s ever said half-asleep?”
Pete’s Answer: Not sure i can recall any of those things that were said but she has a little bad habit of receiving Amazon shipments and not having any idea where the stuff came from. Will literally shop in her sleep.
“What do you want her to know that you maybe haven’t said out loud yet?”
Pete’s Answer: I don’t know that there is much i haven’t said out loud to her. Again, I don’t hide much. I am the luckiest man in the world to have the most intelligent, kind hearted, beautiful wife ever. Even in this shit situation there’s no where i would rather be then right here with you my love! Te amo mucho mi Amore!!
Closing
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Caregiving doesn’t come with manuals, applause, or even the right words from others. But it is love in its rawest form. If Pete’s answers move you, make you laugh, or make you think about the quiet strength of caregivers everywhere, please subscribe, share this post, or pass it on to someone who might need it.
Because while cancer has taken so much, it hasn’t taken our voices.
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