Mojo and the Mess

Everyone talks about cancer like it’s this one, giant, all-consuming thing. And it is. But the cruelest part is that it doesn’t erase everything else. The bills still stack up. The laundry still waits. The dog still needs fed. The car still breaks down. And somehow, in the middle of fighting for my life, I’m still the one expected to keep it all together.

I’m the one who remembers which bills are due, who has a birthday coming up, who needs a thank-you card. I’m the one who hears the bad news first — the scan results, the spread, the changes — and has to process it instantly while everyone else gets to take time, breathe, walk away. I don’t get that luxury. I get the gut punch, and then I’m the one figuring out what comes next for everyone else.

It’s like being both the patient and the parent of everyone in the room. Like I’m not allowed to fall apart because if I do, everything else collapses with me.

The Weight That No One Sees

I cry in secret because no one else can handle it. I cry in the shower, in the car, in the bathroom with the door locked — places where my grief won’t inconvenience anyone. People look at me and think I’m strong, that I’ve got it together, because the house hasn’t burned down and the bills got paid. But inside, I’m shattering.

Cancer is already killing me slowly, but the weight of holding everyone else’s world together while mine is breaking — that feels like its own kind of death.

The Loneliest Part

Sometimes I think about what it would feel like to just… put it all down. To not be the planner, the buffer, the responsible one. To let the appointments go unscheduled, the fridge stay empty, the birthdays forgotten. To stop carrying the burden of making this messy, painful life livable for everyone else while I’m the one actually dying.

But then I don’t. Because if I do, who will? That’s the part that guts me the most: knowing that even in my sickest, weakest moments, I’m still the glue. I’m still the one holding everyone together, even as I’m falling apart.

💔 If you’ve ever felt like the world expects you to carry it all while you’re barely standing, I see you. Please subscribe to Mojo and the Mess so we can keep reminding each other we’re not carrying this alone.