I get a lot of questions about what this journey is like for my husband, so I thought it would be fun (and real) to let him answer some of them directly.
About Izzy & Daily Life
How is Izzy doing today, really? Slow out of the gate this morning but that’s somewhat typical.
What do her good days look like compared to her hardest days? Good days aren’t going to the gym or hiking any mountains but they are days where we can spend time together with each other and our closest people. The bad days…well they just suck. I see a lot of sick people and most give up or just lay in bed day after day. If there is something we can do or need to do she gets up no matter what and we do it. She is the strongest person i know. The tumor now in her brain is a big issue with migraines and soon there will be seizures but she manages
What helps her the most when she’s hurting? A quiet dark bedroom with everything off and her ice cap that she wears on her head. She takes her migraine meds and shes usually able to get back to life after a couple hours
How do you know when she needs comfort versus when she needs space? I tell her what she needs…lol. Just kidding. We have a very unique relationship. We spend most of our time together. Izzys alone (crying time – relaxing time) is the bath tub. She loves to take baths
How do you both keep some normal life in the middle of all this chaos? I assure you over the past 3 years we have lost all sense of the definition of a “NORMAL” life. We just live and literally everything is one day at a time to one moment at a time
What’s something small that makes her smile every time? Her niece and nephews. They are her absolute happy places
What do you do when she’s having one of “those days” where everything is too much? I hold her, kiss her, tell her to pull it together make some wise ass remark to distract her and we change topics to shift her mind
About You & Caregiving
How are you really holding up? I have very broad shoulders. I break down every now and then, who wouldnt? But i keep myself busy and distract myself.
What’s been the hardest part for you as her husband? Knowing the there’s a day coming where i wont wake up next to her anymore. I wont be able to talk to my best friend. Its just not fair.
Do you ever feel like people forget to check in on you? No. I never think about that. Its all about my wife. I’m not the one hurting and i’m not the one who’s life is slipping away.
How do you take care of yourself while taking care of her? I work out everyday. I do yard work. I do what ever i can to distract myself and make myself tired so i can sleep a descent night.
What do you wish people knew about being a caregiver? What an emotional wreck it makes you. Here’s the real honest truth. There is NO ONE to talk to. No one. I have tried talking to many people who are close to me, even my own family. It never goes well because lets be honest…No one gives a shit. Its harsh but its the honest truth. They don’t care because its not them who is dying. Its not them having to take care of someone. Its not them losing someone they love as much as i do and it surely isn’t them being able to feel sympathy or empathy for someone who shouldn’t be dying. Cancer has just become the norm in our society so people just over look it now. So, I don’t talk to anyone about it. Its not worth it because when they say shit to me like ,”wasn’t she supposed to die like a year ago?” Sadly, there’s my take on that. Keep it to your damn self and you wont get upset.
Have you found your own outlet for stress? Working out, doing chores and hanging out with my best friends Joe and Jojo.
What’s one thing that keeps you grounded when everything feels heavy? She doesn’t quit so how could I? Just keep going. That’s me being grounded
About Your Relationship
Has cancer changed your marriage? How? The only way its changed my marriage is that we are limited to what she can do and where she can go.
How do you both keep laughing together? That’s easy, I’m a f’in comedian
What do you do for each other that has nothing to do with cancer? We have our tv shows we watch together. We hang out with our friends/family at their place a lot. It our way to get out of the house
Do you read every blog Izzy writes, or does she surprise you with some of it? I have only read 2 or 3 of them. I supposed someday i will but now is not the time for me to read them
What do you love most about her right now, even in the middle of all this?
Shes beautiful, she has the biggest heart and she is the smartest person i have ever met. Literally beyond genius
How do you talk about the scary stuff — the treatments, the side effects, the future?
We wait till we are ready then we get it out and talk through it then we immediately go do something. Everyone needs time to process. My mind runs 24/7 playing out every possible scenario in every direction.
What’s something she does that still drives you crazy, in the best way? Holds my hand every where we go. People talk about being grounded to the earth with walking outside with no shoes on etc. but being able to physically hold my wife’s hand while I’m driving or walking is how we are grounded to each others souls
Community & Support
What can friends or family do that actually helps both of you? Don’t talk about cancer.
Is there anything people do that seems helpful but really isn’t? Everyone wants to tell you about the person they know or are related too whom also had cancer but didn’t survive. We know they mean no harm but lets think about this shit before we speak people
How do you both balance needing help with wanting independence? We do everything together. Seldomly we do a family function or something a part but we are ok with being apart to do things
Do you feel supported enough as a husband and caregiver? I honestly don’t even concern myself with this.
Has the blog community helped you too, not just Izzy? The blog and its community has been the most therapeutic thing for my wife so by helping her you are helping me
What’s been the most surprising thing people have done for you both? The most surprising thing to us both, off of the internet, is the way our people The Mialkis have accepted us into their lives and have become our closest people.
Funny & Lighthearted
Be honest: does Izzy actually rest when you tell her to, or just give you “the look”? Im always getting a look. lol. She never has much of an issue with resting.
Who wins more arguments — you, her, or Mojo? Mojo!!! As silly as it sounds there are never arguments between us. Maybe 2 or 3 times in the past 7 years. I refuse to waste anytime fighting
How many pillows does she really need in bed, and do you get any? Well she has as many as can possibly fit. I can usually steal one for myself
Has she ever threatened, “Don’t make me blog about you”? lol, well i am the “husband” according to Mojo.
What’s the weirdest craving she’s had during treatment? Shes got a sweet tooth so there could be a million answers for this one. During chemo its always sushi and thats because she cant have raw fish
Do you sneak her snacks when she’s “not supposed” to have them? I dont need to she has little stash spots everywhere hidden
Which of you makes the better “cancer jokes”? I make all the cancer jokes. Between me and her we always make a joke when we are with other people and they are being to serious about the cancer stuff. I will say something like “You cant eat that, it will give you cancer!” And she will reply, “what am i going to do get more cancer?!”
What’s the most “Izzy thing” she’s done even on a chemo day? Well she’s extremely GRACEFUL (insert eye roll here). She bangs into everything constantly
Who cries harder at sad movies — you, her, or Mojo? Honestly Mojo is in his own lil world. She may cry when im not in the room if shes watching something sappy. A good cry comes if something happens to an animal in a movie.
Do you ever skim her blog just to check if you’re “in trouble”?
Im always in trouble. I avoid the blog readings. It isnt a good place for my head
Has cancer made you better at cooking, cleaning, or laundry — or are you still in training?
Ive done it all even before we got together
What’s her funniest “chemo brain” moment? Shes an extremely sharp person with the memory like ive never seen so when she cant remember something or gets foggy i know its bad so its hard to laugh at. I will absolutely make fun of her but thats just to change to mood
What’s your funniest “caregiver fail” moment? Videoing an ultra sound scan from behind the operator. They turn the screen so that she cant see so if she sees my video she knows what is going on and how bad. Well this was an internal wand for the ultra sound and I didn’t realize i was videoing to the entire thing if you get what I’m saying…So there’s that !
Does she ever try to boss you around from the bed? (And does it work?) From the bed, from the couch, from the tub, in the bed. You name it. “Yes dear!” my famous words
What’s the most ridiculous argument you’ve had since all this started? Thats she is taking my manhood with her if she goes before i do. I dont beat around the bush or clean things up. You ask and i tell
Has she ever given you the “I told you so” look during an appointment? I do believe weve know all along before going into any appointment. If anything it would be me saying I told you so to her
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Thank you for being here. Truly.
Your support makes the hard days softer.
✨ If you’ve got more questions you’d like him to answer in a future post, drop them in the comments!
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