Mojo and the Mess

Hi, it’s me, Mojo.

Your favorite French bulldog, professional emotional support potato, and unofficial health insurance negotiator.

I shouldn’t even know what insurance is. I should be worried about tennis balls and nap schedules. But instead, I’ve spent more hours than I’d like to admit sitting next to my human while she argues with strangers about whether or not she deserves the care that keeps her alive.

And let me tell you—if I could bite insurance companies, I would.

Because they’re not just companies. They’re boss-level villains in a video game where the rules keep changing, and the prize is survival.

So, I’ve put together the unofficial, emotionally realistic, and occasionally sarcastic guide to arguing with insurance without losing your mind—or ending up sobbing on the bathroom floor while I lick your face and try to help.

🛡 Step 1: Prepare for Battle

Do not call unprepared.

This is not a casual chat—it’s war with paperwork.

You need an arsenal:

Doctor’s notes Lab results Authorization codes Every letter they’ve ever mailed you (yes, even the confusing ones that look like they were written by a malfunctioning robot)

You want to have so much information that the rep on the other end realizes you mean business. Because when you sound like you’ve got a binder labeled “Receipts, Baby,” people listen.

📝 Step 2: Get Their Name—and Use It Like a Weapon

As soon as someone answers, ask for their name. Write it down.

“Hi, Linda, I’m making notes of this conversation for my records.”

Suddenly, Linda’s going to take you a lot more seriously.

And when you get transferred fifteen times? Write every single name. You’re building your own little army of accountability. Santa has his list. You’ll have yours.

🔁 Step 3: Be Annoyingly Persistent

Here’s the ugly truth:

Insurance companies count on you giving up. Every denied claim saves them money.

So you don’t give up.

You call again. You email. You ask for supervisors. You use words like “escalate” and “appeal.” You become the polite-but-terrifying energy of a woman who has absolutely nothing left to lose.

My human once called six times in one day.

Was she exhausted? Yes.

Did she get results? Also yes.

🧊 Step 4: Stay Calm (Or at Least Sound Calm)

You will want to scream. You might want to throw your phone.

But here’s the thing: the calmer you sound, the harder it is for them to dismiss you.

Mute the phone. Cry if you need to. Pet me. Then get back on the line like you’re made of steel.

Remember: you can be breaking inside and still sound like a CEO on the outside. That’s your superpower.

🩺 Step 5: Pull In Reinforcements

Doctors’ offices often have people whose whole job is fighting with insurance.

Use them.

Ask your doctor for a “peer-to-peer review” (that’s the magic phrase). When one medical professional speaks directly to another, things tend to move faster.

And if your doctor’s office is slow? Follow up. Be kind, but be loud.

💬 Step 6: Know the Magic Phrases

These are your power-ups:

“Can you provide that denial in writing?” “I’d like to escalate this to a supervisor.” “Can I have your name and direct extension for follow-up?” “I’d like to request a peer-to-peer review.”

You’ll sound like you’ve done this a hundred times (even if you’re still googling half of it).

💔 Step 7: Don’t Take It Personally

This part hurts the most.

My human hangs up from these calls feeling small. Like she’s begging for something she doesn’t deserve.

But listen: this isn’t about you.

This is about a system designed to make people give up.

You are not asking for charity—you are demanding the care you’re entitled to.

You are not the problem. The system is.

🌿 Step 8: Take Breaks

After every call, breathe. Go outside. Cry if you need to. Eat something small. Pet me.

Insurance is exhausting, and you are not a machine. You are a human being doing your best in an impossible situation.

🐾 Step 9: Mojo’s Final Advice

If all else fails, call me.

I’ve got a mean bark and zero patience for people who make my human cry.

Arguing with insurance will make you question your sanity. It will make you feel powerless. But every time you push through, you prove that you’re stronger than the system that tries to silence you.

And if they still say no?

Well. I’m not above biting an ankle.

💬 Mojo Translation

You are not just a patient on a phone line.

You are someone fighting for your right to stay alive.

And that, my friends, makes you the fiercest kind of warrior.

🧡 Subscriber Note

Thank you for reading and supporting Mojo and the Mess.

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Every click, share, and kind message means more than you know.

Stay messy. Stay loud.

– Izzy & Mojo