Mojo and the Mess

A Manifesto by Mojo the Frenchie

Listen. I’ve been thinking.

If I had thumbs… this whole household would be under strict new management. The way I see it, I’m already doing 90% of the emotional labor around here. All I need is a pair of opposable digits and I’d go full CEO.

Let’s walk through the improvements, shall we?

📅 1. Appointment Overhaul

First order of business: cancel half of Mom’s calendar.

If I had thumbs, I’d tap through that little portal app and delete every appointment that isn’t necessary.

The ones where they poke her? Gone.

The ones where she comes home and cries? Cancelled.

The one where they act like she’s being “dramatic”? BLOCKED.

New schedule includes:

blanket time back scratches (hers and mine) naps rewatching “Gilmore Girls” and crying safely without strangers watching

🛒 2. Fridge Liberation

I know what’s in there.

I’ve seen the chicken.

I’ve smelled the shredded cheese.

I’m aware of the existence of whipped cream.

And yet… I’m denied. She’s denied. There’s a whole stash of comforting snacks that nobody is accessing fast enough.

If I had thumbs? That fridge would be open so often it’d apply for joint custody.

I’d prepare little snack trays for Mom when she’s nauseous and pretend it’s a fancy spa. I’d feed her crackers like she’s royalty.

I’d probably eat half the tray, but that’s not the point.

The point is: comfort would be immediate and carb-heavy.

📦 3. Online Shopping Would Be an Extreme Sport

Cart? Full.

Wishlist? Miles long.

Regret? None.

I’d order Mom:

Ten fuzzy blankets (each softer than the last) A tiara A shirt that says “I’m tired. It’s permanent.” Comfy pants with sparkles, because why not And a weighted dinosaur pillow because healing is weird

For myself:

A heated orthopedic bed Frenchie-sized slippers A gold chain collar And matching tiaras for us both, obviously. We’re a unit.

📱 4. Insurance Wouldn’t Dare

One text. That’s all I’d send:

“Deny her coverage one more time and see what happens.”

No emojis. Just fear.

🧼 5. Baths? Abolished.

While we’re here: I’d outlaw surprise baths.

I’d pass a strict “no wet dog smell before 3 PM” regulation. Maybe even write a law about how if you’re bald and sick, you get to decide who showers. Looking at you, husband.

❤️ 6. More of What Matters

If I had thumbs, I wouldn’t just run things more efficiently. I’d hold her hand. Properly.

I’d brush the hair that isn’t there, just because she misses the ritual. I’d tuck her in when she’s too tired to do it herself. I’d write her notes in the morning that say:

“You’re still here. I’m still here. We’ve got this.”

I don’t have thumbs. But I do have paws. And presence. And a stare that can melt a glacier or terrify a nurse. I’m doing the best I can.

But if the universe ever upgrades me?

Everyone better watch out.

-Mojo🐾